Tag Archives: satire

Press release: Emory faces “Sorry” shortage

Emory University Facing Critical Shortage of “We’re Sorry” Stationery After Anti-Gay Incident at Candler

After controversy erupted over Emory’s Candler School of Theology’s decision to present an award to the anti-gay activist H. Eddie Fox, Emory University officials realized that they were facing a severe shortage of “We’re Sorry” stationery.

“We really dropped the ball tracking the inventory of the cards,” said President James Wagner. “I guess we were so busy last year with our courageous inquiring and noble compromising, we didn’t even realize it was time to re-order!”

Dean Robin Forman, however, expressed concern about locating a new supplier. “We’ve relied on cards produced by laborers… I mean, freshmen – yes, freshmen in the Visual Arts Department, but since cutting the program, we may have to turn to Staples inkjet stationery.”

The supply of apology cards was rapidly depleted last year when Emory apologized for the anti-semitism at the Dental School. An administration official asked, “Do you know how many Jews there are at this school? Jesus!”

The administration briefly considered using some old “My Bad!” cards from the 90’s, but opted for the classy “Mea Culpa” embossed cards leftover from February. President Wagner spent most of his week carefully scratching out “three fifths” and “blacks” and replacing them with “the gays.”


-Andy, Laura & the SRC


#WagnerForum: Many metaphors, few verbs

“When asked what he thought of the liberal arts and their place in the world, Wagner said that people join the liberal arts to join something. It’s the same mentality, he added, that you see in the inner city with gangs. Yes, Wagner compared an ethnomusicology degree to gangs.”
-A. J. Artis, “A. J.’s Response to Wagner” (exaggerated, but not by much)

The liberal arts instill values, Wagner said, but our society has lost the value of values. Later: “We’ve heard what society wants. They want job-ready citizens.” And Emory has to separate itself from the whims of the economy, except when it comes to international students, tuition hikes, subcontracted labor, course offerings, or the value of scholarship.

Wagner complained that “some graduate students are taking ten years to complete their PhDs”–reflecting a national statistic of little validity to Emory, whose average time to completion is closer to six years.

As for the impediments posed to research by cuts to language programs, and the lack of well-paying, secure jobs, well, we’ll need to think about that. His parting words were disheartening.

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Comic: “The Arts Don’t Matter!”

Justin Colussy-Estes of Patch Decatur has published a terrifying editorial comic.

“The Ivy League of the South has good news for you…”

Emory Vice President Gary Hauk (who probably isn’t a parody) chimes in to defend Emory, or something.


Openings in Spanish?

Another Tumblr dig, from MLA Jobs. Hey, if the acronym JIL means anything to you, or makes you shudder reflexively, you might as well check out the whole site.

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Emory has joined Coursera

From The Wall Street Journal: Emory and 17 other universities have signed a deal with Coursera, a for-profit company that provides an online platform for college courses. Anyone can enroll in a so-called Massive Open Online Course (MOOC), but whether colleges will grant credit for them is still an open question.

This move isn’t directly related to Emory’s restructuring, but it does raise questions about the many permutations of digital scholarship, not to mention the profit motive that looms over the way we discuss education and access in general. From the WSJ:

Although the company has no firm deadline for turning a profit, Coursera is weighing options, including charging for certificates or selling student data to recruiters, said co-founder Andrew Ng.

Tressie MC, a PhD student in sociology who has written extensively on the for-profit college industry, writes:

I’d like to be excited about transformation that connects universities with actual people in their actual communities. I’d like to see Emory U learning centers in Edgewood, Kirkwood, Downtown community centers. I’d like to see us producing the kind of community-minded educational leaders who will imagine a transformation of education that isn’t predicated on expensive tablets, high speed wireless access, or social capital. [Full post]

Edit to add: And now there’s this:

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Some great memes at this new Tumblr, Emory Cuts. Think South Park, Futurama, and that “most interesting man” from the beer commercials.

Also, have you checked out @DeanRobinForman?